Wednesday, June 15, 2022

Why I'm trying to tell this story.

 Telling some of these stories I sometimes forget why we started doing this and why I kept at it for a lot longer than I should have:

I love to write. I was a horribly lonely kid and playing music in front of strangers was the first (and sometimes only) time I felt heard. If I'm going to be as naked as I keep trying to be - It's still one of the only times I feel like a person.

Yeah, I know that's a big statement. I don't really talk too much to anyone. I'd guess 80 to 85% of my life is lived in the lonely halls of my own head. It's not a quiet place and, perhaps because of the volume inside me, I don't venture outside of that place very often except in writing. 

I probably haven't told you how much I appreciate you or love you. I probably haven't shared with you how my heart feels when a school gets shot up and children die horrible, senseless deaths. I probably haven't told you which days I was sick with regret or sadness or nostalgia. If I did it was told to you with a pencil and paper, whether you read it here or heard it in a love song. It was served cold: long after the fact. The only way I process or share anything with any real meaning and without second guessing myself is on paper which, under ideal light and watering conditions, turns into a song. 

Though I don't write a lot anymore. 

Oddly, I don't think it's that I have less to say. It's entirely possible I have a lot more to say, but an awful lot less drive to say it. The possibility exists that, the longer we stay alive, the more we become what we already have been. 

By this I mean to say that the seclusion of my youth has been cast in me like iron in wax. I can live with that. I really, deeply feel like I need the world less than I ever have. It's freeing and a little scary: Scary like free fall or how a balloon full of helium might feel when the knot slips your wrist. I don't know if I should like it, but I think I do. 

This is not what set me to writing. I mean, it's a fucked up thing to write a great deal about yourself in the service of explaining how little you need to talk about yourself anymore. What I hope to do is share a little more about some of the songs and the things I meant to say. If there's a song you wanna know about, comment. I'll tell that story the best I know how to. 

1 comment:

  1. I am still enjoying the music you wrote many years ago. Always do what you love for yourself. That is where the peace is. I have been doing a show for 21 years that only I care about or listen to. Maybe that is the beauty of what I do. Peace & Love Jerry