Things No One Knows #2

There was a time when we played a lot of chess.

We drank an awful lot, but we weren't really about chasing girls. I would imagine a few came along and such, but for the level of debauch we espoused it was a surprisingly wholesome affair. There were parties and after bars, but mostly with friends. There was some skinny dipping and all, but really it wasn't like that.

When I look back on all of it I think we really liked making music and being a community. We went to NYC once and brought our own crowd. Actually Jersey. It was sort of an armpit, but fun. Fun as fuck, actually because we had a ton of friends and laughs and too much to drink and I honestly think we weren't trying to fuck everyone.

I'm ashamed of plenty of the things I've done, but I'm proud of that.

I'm not saying there wasn't any sex, I'm saying it wasn't what got us up in the morning. I think all of us with our guitars and our drums and shit have big gaping holes in us somewhere. I imagine that's probably more true than not whether you play an instrument or do social work or teach kids to read.

We have holes in us. Every one I've ever met. We all have these seemingly bottomless maws and we want to somehow displace all of that emptiness with somethingness. Anythingness, really. Other people. Drugs. Drinks. Screwing to tell us we're wantable or lovable. A case of beer a night four nights a week for ten years to shut up the voices in our heads that keep us empty.

Sure. We did some of that. But a lot of the time we just hung out and told stories and laughed with each other and the folks we met.

I hope we haven't forgotten how to do that because those times - just being, just laughing, just sharing company - are some of the few times when I wasn't so goddam lonely.

I'm not sure I remember. I sometimes think I'm still all appetite and I'm clueless how to fill myself.

Take me back.